Sunday, January 22, 2006


I have recently created three accounts at MySpace. Mine originaly was only going to be used to stay in touch with someold school mates and personal friends who are over there but now I have become addicted. MySpace offers alot more than Blogger unfortunately. Not only can you blog, but there is music for your site, comments boxes, messaging, etc... I hope anyone here who is also on MySpace will add me as a friend.

In addition, as most of you know Joe's a musician and is in Acoustic MoJo. I created them an account also because I was able to upload sound clips of them live. Joe also just formed the Joe Arrington Project so just like Acoustic MoJo, I created them an account also for the same reasons.

Again, please feel free to add me if you are already there, and if your not its free to register and way cool. Hope to see you all there!

Monday, January 16, 2006

It's 3 a.m.

This is also posted here.

So at approximately this time, 1 year ago today Joe and I came home from a show Joe had, and Joe found my grandfather dead in the basement..... (they estimated his time of death to be before midnight so that would mean it was the 15th although Joe found him at 3 a.m. the morning of the 16th because it was after midnight)

It all started the night before (or actually the same day of his death - the 15th). Joe and I had just gotten into bed and we heard this horrible, loud thump. We ran to my grandparents bedroom and my grandfather was there on the floor. he wouldnt move, he was unconcious. I remember my heart beating so fast and my just saying "oh my God Joe, Joe Joe...". I thought he was dead. Joe knelt down and got him to come to while I stood in the corner, facing the corner, I was so afraid of what I thought was happening.
Joe sat him up against his bed. He was bleeding from just above his eye. I got a washcloth and peroxide and bandages and tried to patch him up all the while crying and begging him to please let me call an ambulance and trying to keep my grandmother from coming around to that side of the bed and seeing the blood. Grandpa needed stitches but he refused...

I didnt sleep that night. I couldnt, I had been so fightened. I kept checking on him all night. I needed to hear him breathing. At the same time I was furious at him. What everyone knew except my grandmother (we hid it from her), was that grandpa would sit in the basement and drink Gin and Tonic/Orange Juice. You see my grandfather suffered from prostate cancer which he had never had surgery for. Through the years this caused swelling and he had a hard time walking, you add in his drinking and well.... My grandfather fell because he was drunk.

The next day (the 15th) grandpa had a hell of a black eye. I talked with him for a very long time in the basement and told him how he had scared me, how I thought he was indeed dead, to please stop drinking. He held my hand and said he was sorry and that he would stop. He told me he knew I went through alot living there, dealing with my grandmother, he thanked me and said he was proud of me. He loved me. He told me I was his first "real" grandchild (he had step grandchildren from my grandmothers first marriage) and that he had always loved me so much. We talked about when I was a child and the things we did together.

(now back to how I started this entry)...

It is now the evening of the 15th and I am getting ready to leave with Joe to go to his show. I went down to the basement to see if grandpa needed anything. He said no. I told him I'd see him tomorrow and started up the steps. He called out to me "Hey brat".... I looked around the wall and said "yeah"... He said "where's my kiss", I gave him one. He held my hand and reinterated what he said earlier, adding he was very proud of his children, my mother and my uncle. He again told me he loved me and I said I loved him too. He told me my grandmother loved me and not to blame her for the things she would say or do )most of mine and grandpas talks were when I needed to vent or take a break from grandma). I left.

At 11 p.m., I called to check on my grandparents. Grandma answered and said everything was fine, she was in bed, grandpa was in his place, the basement. This didnt seem odd because he would sometimes fall asleep down there.


At 2:40 a.m., we came home.

My grandfather's death changed my life. No one saw how close we had gotten in the 2 years Joe and I lived with my grandparents because they werent around enough. I was there day in and day out and I am so sorry if I failed them in some way. I dont care what anyone else thinks. I know the truth of what was going on in that house (especially with my grandmothers failing mind) and I know I was loved and I know they loved me.

Towards the end, I was bitter. My grandmother was losing her mind and saying the most absurd, horrible things. I felt used, because the whole family had me watching them, me caring for them, I would get yelled at by a certain "Aunt" if I needed to leave or have my time. I needed to hear everything he said to me. I needed to know he knew the truth too, and he did.

I was the last person to speak to him.

I love you. I miss you.... thank you for helping me through my insecurities...

Grandpa, Tell Me 'Bout The Good Old Days

The Judds

Grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days

Sometimes it feels like this worlds gone crazy

Grandpa, take me back to yesterday

When the line between right and wrong

Didn’t seem so hazy


Did lovers really fall in love to stay

And stand beside each other, come what may

Was a promise really something people kept

Not just something they would say

Did families really bow their heads to pray

Did daddies really never go away

Oh, grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days

Grandpa, everything is changing fast

We call it progress, but I just don’t know

And grandpa, let’s wander back into the past

And paint me the picture of long ago

(repeat chorus)

Did lovers really fall in love to stay

And stand beside each other come what may

Was a promise really something people kept

Not just something they would say and then forget

Did families really bow their heads to pray

Did daddies really never go away

Oh, grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days

Oh, grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days

Friday, December 30, 2005

This Is The Story Of A Girl...

...who changed my life at different times both for the better and the worst. Her name is Tracy.

I dont think anyone is really sure just how old we were when we first met. I can pin point it to my being around the age of 5 years old. Tracy and I used to play outside, play inside, play wherever. We used to play school and I was always the teacher. We used to sneak off to the small playground off to the side at Inverness School, back by the water. Little did I know that many years later that would become my secret thinking spot or a place I would take my own children to.

For years Tracy was a part of my life. We grew up together. She was 2.5 years older than me and very much (at that time) into boys. She kissed a boy before me, she had sex before me. We used to giggle and laugh at night because when she spent the night we could here my parents in the other know (ugh), lol :-) We found my fathers stash of porn tapes and Playboys. We were going to move into a huge warehouse when we grew up (like Jennifer Beals in Flashdance). My parents called her their adopted daughter and she was without a doubt my sister! Her family didnt celebrate the holidays for religious reasons but racy had Christmas at our house. My parents bought her small presents. I remember even my late grandmother did a few times. Tracy's birthday was Christmas Eve so they were "birthday presents".

Tracy's parents were always very odd. Abusive odd. Tracy would get punished for the most off the wall reasons. I remember once Tracy spending the weekend at my house and getting stung by a bee while we were playing softball. She was alergic to bee stings. She got punished.... Tracy's parents never let her have long hair or dress girly or wear make up. When she came to my house we would experiment with her hair and make up and she's wear my clothes.

When I was 12 I thought my world was coming to an end. Things had happened and Tracy was being put in a foster care. My bestfriend in the whole world was leaving me. We had been together for atleast 7 years. My mother and father offered to take her but the judge wouldnt allow it. I still remember that day in court like it was yesterday. We cried. The night before I had heard the song "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins and the words hit me hard. I wrote a ltter to tracy and included the words.

"How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we’ve shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there’s just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that’s what I’ve got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there’s just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that’s what I’ve got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos I’ll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It’s the chance I’ve gotta take

Take a look at me now...."

Tracy left for close to 4 years. We tried to stay in touch, there were a few letters and phone calls, but when your young.... I was 16 before I saw her again. So many things had happened. So much had changed. I was in my bedroom and my mother told me someone was here to see me. I turned around and there she was. It was a weird moment. One of those times when you know you know the person but arent sure... but really I was sure, but it was so hard to believe.... As the story goes her then foster mother and she were driving past my parents house and Tracy recognised it and they stopped.

As time went by Tracy became pregnant and her foster mother kicked her out. She came to live with us and ended up having a miscarriage.... alot happend... Things I'd rather not talk about, but these things changed my life, my perspectives on how I saw things. Certain things she told me regarding my family I didnt believe or didnt want to believe and I kicked her out of my parents house and my life. I was 16 then.

When I was 21 I learned that the things Tracy had tried telling me years before were true. What had I done? I located her. She was in Honolulu, Hawaii and pregnant. Tracy was now bisexual and had alot of other problems going on (which I wont say for her privacy). Adding to this she was living with a guy old enough to be her father and pregnant by him. In many ways I blamed myself for her outcome. Tracy was always a bit different because of her upbringing and then her years in foster care - but if only I had listened to her, maybe her life wouldnt be where it was at that moment.

We talked for months and finally she came home and stayed with me and my then husband. Tracy and I just clashed. I was trying to keep her straight afterall she was pregnant. I was trying to get her help and God how she fought it (or so it seemed). She eventually went to stay with my mother who by this time was seperated from my father. Things just were never the same.

On March 30th of I believe 1996 Tracy gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Sabrina, my God Daughter. Tracy tried. She really did. She loved her baby but a few weeks after her birth Tracy called me needing help. She wanted me to take Sabrina. I didnt even think twice. I didnt even talk to my husband about it. I just went and got the baby. Soon after we went to court and the courts gave me guardianship of Sabrina.

Finally one day I got a call from the socal worker involved in our case, Tracy called the Department of Social Services and placed her baby up for adoption. I had always told Tracy her baby would know her even if she wasnt around. I loved that baby like she was mine because Tracy was my sister. It hurt....

I havent spoken to her since except for the few calls some 5-6 years ago where she blamed me for the decision. Tracy has been trying to get her life together for years now.

Today her mother called me. Tracy is evidentally clean, living nearby, in NA and AA and wants to talk. Fine. My sentimental side is letting this happen. Most likely my heart will be torn apart but we'll see. Hopefully not.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

The Road Between

Another "how I'm feeling today" song.

The Road Between
by: Lisa Marie Presley

Out on the road between nowhere and hell
I caught a glimpse of my reflection in you
But they can't believe I still want you around
Hung on the line between addiction and this
I can't believe you said I hurt you again
But I can't afford to let you get away
And I cannot take the darkness when you stay

You're all I see. And it's definitely my fault
You're all I see. But don't come near me at all

How many roads between your world and mine
How many broken doors and how many fights
I changed my furniture to make you go away
I'm still overwhelmed at how much space you take

You're all I see. And it's definitely my fault
You're all I see. But don't come near me at all

And I can't have you right now
And I can't get it right now
And I can't have you right now
And I can't get it right now

You're all I see. And it's definitely my fault
You're all I see. But don't come near me at all

This is, this is definitely my fault

Hung on the line between addiction and this
I can't believe that I have hurt you again

Gothic Dreams

Gothic Dreams
Gothic Dreams,
originally uploaded by ghostbones.
This was created by one of my new Flickr friends ghostbones. Yes that is me!!! He wont devulge his secrets of just how he manipulates images to make to make these wonderful pieces of art but he is definately one creative individual. Thank you ghostbones for taking the time to make me my own special portrait. It's beautifully dark!

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Happy Holidays!!

Happy Holidays everyone!! I hope you have a very safe and joyous Christmas Day.

Friday, December 16, 2005


This may sound a bit selfish, but are there ever times when you feel like YOU are the only person in the entire world who cares about YOU?

Thursday, December 15, 2005

First let me say, BUYER BEWARE!!

Here is the story:

My son Michael is very much into remote control cars this year. He has been wanting this ENZO Ferrari for some time but it's $100 anywhere you can find it, if you can find it. On Ebay it tends to be even more after shipping. He found Trend Times while surfing the 'net.

I decide I am going to buy him the car for Christmas. The website even had it for $54.95 plus shipping. It was cheaper than anyplace else. The site was very professional looking and they use a SSN sever to transmit your information. I paid for the car on December 1st. I recieved a confirmation email immediately telling me my package would arrive in 5-10 days. All seemed great!! I was happy. I would me MOM OF THE YEAR when he got this Christmas day! Until...

As of yesterday, the 14th, nothing... I call the 800 number on the website. Come to find out, that number is a 3rd party ordering line. Not only can they not supply me with any tracking information or tell me if indeed my package was shipped, they can't even give me a alternate phone number to try and reach someone. I try information, NOTHING! I research.... oh did I research... after all I am getting the feeling my son's Christmas is about to be ruined. What do I find? THIS. And there are many more!

At this point I am physically sick. Michael had told me more than one time that this is the ONLY thing he wanted for Christmas. I already have packages wrapped and under the Christmas tree for him and his brother, but this, THIS ONE THING, was his true Christmas wish. I had been so happy, he was going to be so happy!!

I call the 800 number back. I tell this "operator" what I have just found online. I ask her if she has children? Yes she does.... I got to her! And I got another number!! I call the number and tell the person who answers that I need to check on the status of my order. I give her my information and she tells me its been shipped, on the 8th. I ask her for a tracking number. She puts me on hold. Then this "supervisor" get on the line. I tell him my concern and again ask for the tracking number. He gets furious. For no reason. "Well guess what buddy, I dont care". I want the information. I tell him what I found online and that I am a consumer and I have a right to ask about my merchandise. He tells me he needs to "order" the tracking number from the warehouse. Um, ok.... He takes my phone number and tells me he will call me in 30 minutes with the number.

Let's just say 2 hours and 4 calls to Trend Times later, I finally get a tracking number. I go to UPS' website. I type in the tracking number. It tells me that the "billing information has been recieved". I dont understand this, so I call UPS. They explained to me that this means someone at Trend Times has printed a shipping label (on the 8th - the supposed shipping date) but as of then the package itself had not been scheduled for pick up. So essentially NO FREEKING PACKAGE WAS ON IT'S WAY (and Christmas is in 11 days)!!!

I am (needless to say) boiling over PISSED! I called an old employer of mine. An attorney, Mr. Walker. I wanted advice. I wanted to know what I could do, if anything. I had already contacted Pay Pal, because I used my Pay Pal debit card to purchase the car. If I disputed the charge for non reciept, it would take 30 days to get my money back. What I needed right then was either #1 the car, or #2 a refund immediately so I could hunt down another car! Mr. Walker took all the information I had obtained and told me to call him in an hour. I thanked him for "whatever" he could find out or do for me.

In the meantime, I call Hobbytown USA, they dont have it... I call Toys R Us. I appealed to the manager there because they DO carry the car and at this point I would gladly pay the $100. I just wanted to give Michael his car for Christmas, and now more than ever it was my MISSION!
My local store didn't have any in stock. He looked at other stores inventory using their computer system. Not one store from Kentucky to Virginia had the car in stock. UNFREEKING BELIEVABLE. I feel sunk, completely, shot down, stepped on, and pushed deep into the mud!

An hour passes. I call Mr. Walker. Praise this man.... He called them. Told them if I didn't have either a refund or the car by today (the 15th) he would be filing criminal charges against them. It was now 4:30 in the afternoon and I started this mission at 10am. Thank you, thank you Mr. Walker. At 5:30 my telephone rang. It was the original woman I had spoken to at Trend Times. She gave me a new tracking number, which I have been following. Michael's car should arrive in the next 30 minuties hopefully.
Mom to 2, Wife to 1...
A diary of my psychotic babblings and daily rants (and raves).
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  • People consist of much more than what appears on the surface. Inside a person is their essence, which transcends everything external. It's who we really are. How people respond to us depends more on what we project than what we actually say and do (or what we look like).

    Some people function on a deeper spiritual level. The spiritual realm is more important than the physical world around us. Everything truly significant has a spiritual basis.