Monday, August 29, 2005

A Joe Day

Today Joe and I took the day and just hung out! First, we didnt even wake up until about 2pm. This is what a weekend of work and gigs and play do to you (well atleast
Joe). For me its what the stress of the entire week did to me. Hell my father went from being dead to ressurected all in the same week, lol :-) So we slept in...

Of course the first thing we want to do when we wake up is eat! We ended up at a new place for us called Glory Days. It's sort of a cross between Applebee's and Bennigan's. Lots of sports memorabilia on the walls. Initially we were headed to Marley Station Mall to go to the movies. We did end up at the movies, but what an ordeal that turned into. We purchase our tickets for The Cave at the ticket booth, we ask for the next showing, it's not 5:25pm, and the guy gives us tickets for the 4:30 show. This was $12.50. We didnt realize this until after spending another $12.50 on popcorn, soda, and Twizlers. The manager had to give us readmittance tickets, but the next showing wasn't until 7:30. So... we walked around the mall, bought some Godiva chocolate..yummy!! Joe bought two shirts... um, then the mall started closing at 6pm.

We go back to Glory Days for some drinks for the wait of an hour and a half! The movie was good once we finally saw it :-) I wont give it away here (watch the trailer at the above link).

After the movie we went to Crossroads Tavern. This place used to be our home away from home when both Joe's music acts plsyed there. Acoustic MoJo played there every Thursday and MDA was playing there once a month. Every Sunday our friends in Driven play there so we went to hang out for awhile.

Now we are homeand Joe is already in bed. Uh... the week is over - now to start it all over again!

Saturday, August 27, 2005

I Feel So Different

In retrospect now of the "death of my father". I am happy he is not dead. For the full story read below. Today iTunes was scrolling through my songs and stumbled itself upon this one by Sinead O'Connor. I dont hate my father... regardless of everything, I just dont understand him or the things he does or his reactions to things. He blames me for things he knows nothing about or should I say he only has one side. Whatever, he is gone now whether it is psychologically now or reality. I just cannot be put through anymore pain in regards to him.

Lyrics:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
I am not like I was before
I thought that nothing would change me
I was not listening anymore
Still you continued to affect me
I was not thinking anymore
Although I said I still was
I'd said "I don't want anymore"
Because of bad experience
But now I feel so different
I feel so different
I feel so different
I have not seen freedom before
And I did not expect to
Don't let me forget now I'm here
Help me to help you to behold you
I started off with many friends
And we spent a long time talking
I thought they meant every word they said
But like everyone else they were stalling
And now they seem so different
They seem so different
They seem so different
I should have hatred for you
But I do not have any
And I have always loved you
Oh you have taught me plenty
The whole time I'd never seen
All you had spread before me
The whole time I'd never seen
All I'd need was inside me
Now I feel so different
I feel so different
I feel so different
I feel so different
I feel so different

Mosaic

Mosaic
Mosaic,
originally uploaded by hopenharmony.
I created this Mosaic today using the Flickr mosaic maker. It's pretty cool. You can make them various sizes. I just chose pictures of my family for this one.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Grief

8/26 UPDATE - My sister emailed me today. Evidentally it was "spam" or some really sick joke that someone is playing. My family is so fucked up. My father apparently is not dead. I am relieved, I guess. But I sat here just looking at her email for like 10 minutes before I replied to her and I thought to myself, " Dad hasnt wanted anything to do with me in so long, really he has been dead to me." Not because I wanted it that way, but because he wanted that way. I guess I just got the greif process out of my system because someone wanted to be an asshole. I really dont understand people. I explained to my sister that I had emailed her asking about arrangement and never got a reply so i assumed it was true and I just wasnt suppose to know as per dad's wishes. All I know is I was just put through 3 days of pure hell. It's a very horrible feeling knowing the type of relationship my father and I had as a child. the type of relationship we have had the last couple of years and the thought there would never be an reconsile. No closure.

I am going to leave the original post below. Only because they were my raw emotions. My love came through as many of you have emailed me and expressed. I am still sorry things couldn't be different. He wont allow it.

I hope whoever sent me that nasty email got what they wanted. As upset as I am I would never wish that kind of pain on anyone. I would nver want anyone to go through the feeling I had of thinking my father was dead and I had never been able to say goodbye. You are a sick sick person.

The comments box will now be open.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ORIGINAL POST~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


At around 4pm Thursday afternoon I recieved an email telling me my father had passed away. Yes, a very inpersonal email, not a call. Considering the state of my family situation, I guess I can understand this, or atleast be willing to try and understand it. My regular readers know the feelings my father and I have had for each other for the last couple years so I will not go into that. Let's just say that my children and I were disowned for choosing the life I have. For choosing Joe (or so thats my understanding). I was told a couple months ago by my mother (who is no longer maried to my father - he is since remarried) that it was my father's wishes that when he passed away for me not be allowed to attend the services and funeral. My friends believe I should go, that I need closure. Yeah I do but unfortunately I will never get that. The closure I needed was for my father to accept me, the good, the bad, just me, love me for me. That would not have meant he needed to agree with or understand my decisions but I am 32 years old. My sister once told me in an email, that I still have saved, that she believed my step mother did what she could to keep that gap between us and I believe that too. If I find out where the services are the only thing I would probably achieve is hysteria, possibly letting go and finally telling my step mother what I truley think of her (and thats putting it nicely), and dealing with the whispers of the rest of the family... "What's she doing here"....? I was once "Daddy's Little Girl", and now I am reduced to nothing. It hurts so much. But I know I tried... I have resentment and anger built up from those attempts of trying and being rejected harshly. Was I not worthy of love? Were my children not worthy of love? Joe used to say we had each other and the boys and thats all we really needed. I guess now its really true. My father always took care of us I can say that. We never did without. I used to feel love. I'll miss being able to say I have a father. I'll miss my daddy and pinky. I guess I will say my goodbyes now although I guess really they were said long ago even while you were here. Goodbye Dad. I love you and always will.

I am not going to accept comments on this. Anyone wanting to comment can email me.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comments are now open.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

A Quizzy Thingy Bob

The rules:

1. This has to start with someone, anyone, answering the following questions.
2. Your answers must relate to ME!
3. You MUST leave your answers in my comments section below (just click on comments below and type your answers).
4. After you have done so I will reply to your answers, answering the same questions, but in regards to you. It's fun!!

The five people I would like to reply to this are: Lucas, Lewie, Andy, Jenn (my sister), Barb... but I'd like all my friends to eventually do this.

Here are the questions:
Please be sure to number your answers so they correspond correctly.

1. Post a random thought you have about me.
2. What movie/song reminds you of me?
3. What flavor jello would you want to wrestle in?
4. Post a statement that only you and I would understand.
5. What is your first memory of me.
6. What animal do I remind you of?
7. Ask me something you've always wanted to know about me.

Custom Magazine Covers

I found a website for making custom magazine covers and had some fun! This is really cool. So here are mine. I can't decide which one I like the best!

If any of you decide to make one or two or three yourself, please leave your link in the "comments" section so we can all see.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

7 Deadly Sins

What sins are you guilty of most????

PRIDE

What it is: Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.

Why you do it: Well-meaning elementary school teachers told you to "believe in yourself."

Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be broken on the wheel.

Associated symbols & suchlike: Pride is linked with the horse and the color violet.


ENVY

What it is: Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.

Why you do it: Because other people are so much luckier, smarter, more attractive, and better than you.

Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be put in freezing water.

Associated symbols & suchlike: Envy is linked with the dog and the color green.


GLUTTONY

What it is: Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.

Why you do it: Because you were weaned improperly as an infant.

Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be force-fed rats, toads, and snakes.

Associated symbols & suchlike: Gluttony is linked with the pig and the color orange.


LUST

What it is: Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.

Why you do it: Oh, please.

Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be smothered in fire and brimstone. Not kisses.

Associated symbols & suchlike: Lust is linked with the cow and the color blue.


ANGER (WRATH)

What it is: Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.

Why you do it: You're wired for it. Also, the people around you are pretty damn irritating.

Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be dismembered alive.

Associated symbols & suchlike: Anger is linked with the bear and the color red.


GREED

What it is: Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.

Why you do it: You live in possibly the most pampered, consumerist society since the Roman Empire.

Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be boiled alive in oil. Bear in mind that it's the finest, most luxurious boiling oil that money can buy, but it's still boiling.

Associated symbols & suchlike: Greed is linked with the frog and the color yellow.


SLOTH

What it is: Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.

Why you do it: You're shiftless, lazy, and good fer nuthin'.

Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be thrown into snake pits.

Associated symbols & suchlike: Sloth is linked with the goat and the color light blue.

I Have NOW Officially Seen It ALL

I originally saw a post about this on the Occasional Bitches blog. My mouth dropped!! The photo pictures here is a Vagina Painting, yes people you read correctly... V-A-G-I-N-A Painting!! This gal apparently paints her vagina multi colored, spreds her legs, has some touching sessions with a canvas, and wahla you have a one of a kind painting!! Now gee, why didn't I think of that?? Because I have class!!! This woman even has a how to photo album with pictures on Yahoo. These painting go for a measley $75 a painting, oh and I forgot to mention you can get the matching boob paintings if you'd like also!! I dont know it seems to me only a man (sorry if this is sexist) would purchase this and he'd have to be pretty hard up. For $75 you could get the real thing!!! And no I am not condoning that practice either, just making a statement of fact!

I hope you all here my sarcasm in this post. She was recently suspended from Ebay but if interested you can purchase them via her website.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Anal - ism

Maybe this is a bit cut throat... I will not name names but I need to voice myself, my anger, my frustrations! I've come to realize that I am so sick of these self centered, hypocritical, analistic, people that I have recently surrounded myself with. You know the type of person that needs to analyze every little thing but at the same time dont get all the facts to make a clear analysis. The people who think their shit doesnt stink! The know it all's or moreso the people who think they know it all. The type that needs to wash their car the minute a bird shits on it, after all if they dont the world might come to a freakin hault! Anyhow, I'm done!! I vented. I feel better!

Love Is "What I Got"

So some other tidbits happened this week. Things I havent gotten around to blogging about yet so here goes:

My original Flickr account got canned because I posted apicture I found on the 'net. Weird considering alot of people post pictures off the 'net, just things they've found. Evidentally I violated Flickr's Term Of Service. Ok whatever. I was pissed to say the least. Alot of my Flickr buddies were emailing me to see where I was and were outraged by what had happened. I tried to open a new account only to find with the free account you are limited in the amount of space you have. This doesnt work for me because I take pictures daily! While conversing back and forth with a good friend off Flickr regarding these issues he suprised me and upgraded my account for me. He did this because he missed seeing my photographs, my work. I appreciate that. I'm not sure he would want to be "outed" so I wont say who he is, but he knows I appreciate this gift alot. Thank you again.

I've found this weekend that I have many good friends. Friends that I've never even met face to face yet still there is a bond of sorts, a growing frinendship and respect. It's a great feeling.

I've learned through the Lucas argument below that sometimes the people you truely think are your friends arent! Through this incident though, the people he mentioned in his Ouline have stood beside me. We've been called liars because he "thought" something, although he never bothered to ask questions to find any truth. If he had he would have been corrected nad feelings might have been spared. I got hurt by him and I guess once again, someone I've trusted has let me down (most do). It hurts most because it was uncalled for and he was wrong and wont acknowledge it.

But again, this weekend I've learned what great friends I DO have. The ones who missed me in a couple day absence. The ones who appreciate my work. The ones who accept me for who I am, wholely...not in part. All the good and the bad parts of me.

This song came to mind while typing this because even though all the bullshit happened i feel good knowing I have people who support and believe in me.

What I Got - Sublime

Early in the mornin’
Risin’ to the street
Light me up that cigarette
And I strap shoes on my feet
Got to find a reason
Reason things went wrong.
Got to find the reason why my money’s all gone.

I got a dalmation
And I can still get high.
I can play the guitar like a mother fucking riot.

Life is too short so love the one you got
Cause you might get run over or you might get shot.
Never had to battle with no bulletproof vest.
Never start no static I just get it off my (chest).
Take a small example, a tip from me...
Take all of your money and give it up to charity.
Lovin’s what I got, it’s within my reach
(and the sublime style is still straight from long beach)
It all comes back to you you’re going to get what you deserve.
Try and test that, you’re bound to get served.
Love’s what I got, don’t start a riot,
You feel it when the dance gets hot.

Lovin’, is what I got, I said remember that.
Lovin’, is what I got, I said remember that.

Why I don’t cry when my dog runs away.
I don’t get angry at the bills I have to pay.
I don’t get angry when my mom smokes pot,
Hits that bottle and goes right to the rock.
Fuckin and fighting, it’s all the same.
To live with louie dog’s the only way to stay sane.
Let the lovin’, let the lovin’ come back to me.

Lovin’, is what I got, I said remember that.
Lovin’, is what I got, I said remember that.
Lovin’, is what I got, I said remember that.

What A Wonderful Child I Have!

I have blogged before about those times in your life as a parent that you look forward to. Those rare times. Those moments that make all the hard parts of parenting worth it. Michael gave me one of those times agiain today.

I don't remember what we were initially talking about but he got asked what he was thankful for. He said "for you". I asked, "why?" He said he was thankful that I was still here and wasnt sick anymore. For those of you who dont know, I had cancer a couple years ago.

I immediately got teary eyed. What a wonderful, wonderful child I have.

Funny...

You know, first you believe in someone and then you find out how truley fake they really are! Tonight Lucas goes from applauding how I manage the things in my life, calling me a butterfly while he is a catepillar to trying to tell me what a piece of shit I am!

Let me tell you about my weekend with Lucas. He was moody all weekend, from the time he arrived. Got drunk on the Clipper Ship boat at Joe's gig, passed out as a matter of fact. I even had to drive his precious car home. Friday morning he comes into my room while I am stilla sleep and hooks his computer up... Hello??? His computer wires run through my house to the living room for days. His computer sits on my living room table for days. Bitches he was an errand boy - no I had things to do, and would have done them with or without him! Apparently he feels I need him to do things. I've gotten along just fine prior! He leaves tonight weirdly.... I message him asking whats wrong and never really get a straight answer. Just the butterfly/catepillar thing...

Tonight he emails me this (apparently his outline of gripes). My replies are underneathe:
* Bitching about my food.
Lucas is a vegetarian. He claims I bitched about his food. Well hello? Everytime I eat something I hear how it was killed! Yet he has only been Mr. Veggie Man for 5 months! Hey Lucas, you had blood and meat in your system less then half a year ago. You have no room to talk. I just complained that when you fried the ToFu it smelled.

* Bitching about my movie.
He bought Sin City. It sucked! Or atleast in Joe and my opinion. Michael wasnt even interested. I dont remember anyone bitching really, just saying they were disappointed. And I believe that was Joe. I knew in the first 5 minutes it wasnt a movie I'd like and kept getting up and leaving the room.

* Nagging me to be there by 5:30 on Thursday
The boat was leaving at 8 or so I was told. I didnt nag you - but I did need to know for sure because if you werent going to be here I needed to figure out what I was doing. I think anyone would agree with me there.

* Bitching about your flickr account.
It got canned for a stupid reason and I was pissed. I opened a new account and was upset by how little I could upload.

* Leaving Sean to baby-sit the cats. Originally saying Michael wanted to stay home and didn't want to go on the boat. Everyone that night wanted to go on the boat. You are way off here baby... Michael did want to go, then didnt because he was excited about the kittens. It was just as we were leaving he changed his mind. If your gonna call that a bitch. Get your facts straight! Sean told me in the kitchen he wanted to stay in case Cassie had a hard time.

* Leaving Michael at the house while we went to Great American Sports Bar or whatever because of your hang up over some dumb chick that wont stop emailing you or Joe about Joe.Um again...no. Michael was fine. He wanted to play his new game and watch his movies. He is old enough to be alone for 2 hours. And I didnt get that email from the "dumb chick" until right before we left. We already knew prior we were going. And even if I was upset by the "bitch" who cares? Thats really NONE of your business.

* Essentially ignoring Michael all day today
I slept today because I was sick. And where do you get off being parent of the year, you have no children. Michael knows he is my world in fact you yourself "today" heard him say he was thankful for me. I also had stayed up most of the night with him watching his fresh Prince of Bel Air box set while you slept 3 feet away.

* Taking Cassie's babies from her every few hours.
We are all excited about them. You went in there too. Infact that was one of the things you were doing while "hooking up your computer".



I guess my friendship is over with Lucas. Its a shame after 20 years. But I can not forgive him for his accusations where Michael is concerned. Gee he also stated how he got jealous seeing me and Joe... maybe this all stems from that. Whatever! Grow up! This shows real low class on your part.

He later goes on to say he has been taking notes and someone is lying: Me, Joe, my bestfriend Sean, or Michael. We have no reason to lie. To you? Personally I think your a paranoid person. Your very anal about alot of things. You put your money in one order, you check your car. Lucas you have turned everyone off by your actions. Joe thinks you come in and take over. He cant even relax on his couch when your here. Your wires are everywhere. You even tried to yell at my son about a Taco Bell cup that was in the road. Who the hell do you think you are? You did get upidy with Joe coming in our door like he was a child and almost got knocked out. He was talking and you rudely and harshly turned and said "Joe" like you were repremanding him. I had to beg him not to throw you out that night do you know that? Luckily he gets over things easily and by morning/afternoon and several talks with me, was fine. Sean says you act as if your better than everyone else. Pete pretty much says the same thing. And Michael thinks your in love with his mother. Maybe so...? Again class... trying to fondle my foot in front of my kid!

I have taken you into my home. Taken you out to the places I go and introduced you to people and my friends... If you didnt like it, no one made you come! Don't bother comig back. I tried to give you some excitement which you said you never had.

he ended his gripe email by saying he supposed my response (all which are above) would decide whether or not I showed merit. Lucas I have a life snd friends, all you have is work and bike rides, I have plenty merit. I think your jealous of what you cant have! And I think your petty for bringing a child into it. I certainly do not need you to validate who I am or what kind of parent I am. Anyone who knows me knows the bond and special relationship Michael and I have. It's not even questionable.

What Does My Dream Mean?

I have been a bit razzled for the last couple of days. I haven't told anyone about the dream I had the other night that has me thinking about it constantly because truthfully it has me bewildered and I can't make any sense of it. Maybe I am finally losing my mind. I guess you, my internet audience will be the first to help me analyze this bizzare dream of mine.

I dont really remember much of the dreams beginning. I know Joe was there. And I know we are in a housing area with row homes. It's a place we are not familiar with and we go out to explore it. We reach a beachy place. To me it seems like where I spent summers as a child, Nantucket Island, only on Nantucket island there are no row homes. It's like the dream has taken on something new. Now it is very beachy with sand for miles,coves and water, an ocean that stretches as far as the eyes can see. Crystal clear water, the type you can see the fish swimming around in. Beautiful, full of vivid colors everywhere. I have my camera with me and am taking photos of the scenery. Theres a tree that hangs over a bank and I look and see Joe has climbed up into the tree. I take a picture and head off to him. I climb the tree.

I look and then see an almost hidden part of the beach. I climb down from the tree and I start walking towards this hidden area of beach. This is where it gets freaky. My mother then appears driving towards me on the beach in my old Jeep Cherokee. I get in the car and together we head to the area. She has a stranger (or atleast no one I know) in the Jeep with her, they tell me not to go to that part of the beach. I tell them I want to just take a few photo's. I never question why they are telling me not to go there. Everything turns to black and white as I enter this area but in the dream I dont seem to notice it. It's just one of those things your self concionce picks up on. I see this beautiful view as I step out of the Jeep. One of those views where tree's frame it. Its still black and white. There are birds flying over the ocean then suddenly they are coming towards me. Not flying towards me, its like they are being forced to me. I am snapping pictures the whole time, my mother is screaming for us to go, and the stranger is saying this is an evil place. A bird then hits my shoulder, its dead. Then I notice they are all dead. The birds in the air are dead too. At this point I get into the Jeep and we go to the "color" area.... Then I woke up.

This dream has me freaked out. So now I went online to Dream Moods, a dream dictionary. I picked out some key words, beach, camera, birds, mother, stranger, husband, car, black and white, evil... This is what I found out.

Beach (looking towards the ocean not away)

To see the beach in your dream, symbolizes the meeting between your two states of mind. The sand is symbolic of the rational and mental processes while the water signifies the irrational, unsteady, and emotional aspects of yourself. It is a place of transition between the physical/material and the spiritual.

To dream that you are on the beach and looking out toward the ocean, indicates unknown and major changes that are occurring in your life. Consider the state of the ocean, whether it is calm, pleasant, forbidding, etc.

Camera

To see a camera in your dream, signifies your desires to cling on and/or live in the past. Alternatively, it may represent you need to focus on a particular situation. Perhaps you need to get a clearer picture or idea.

Birds (particularly dead ones)

To dream of dead or dying birds, foretells a period of coming disappointments. You will find yourself worrying over problems that are constantly on your mind.

Mother

To dream that you are having a conversation with your mother, denotes a matter that has preoccupied your mind and you are not sure how to deal with it in your waking life. It indicates unresolved problems that still need to be worked out with your mother.

Stranger

To see a stranger in your dream, signifies a part of yourself that is repressed and hidden. Alternatively, it symbolizes the archetypal dream helper who is trying to offer some insight and advice.

Husband

To see your husband in your dream, signifies your relationship with your husband and the unconscious feelings you have towards him.

Car

Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. If you are in the backseat of the car, then it indicates that you are putting yourself down and are allowing others to take over. This may be a result of low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.

Black and White

To dream in black and white, suggests that you need to be more objective in formulating your decisions. You may be a little too unyielding in your thought process and thus need to find some sort of balance between two opposing views. Consider the views and opinions of others. Alternatively, black and white dreams is a sign of depression or sadness. You may feel that there is not enough excitement in your life.

Evil

To dream that someone or something is evil, denotes a repressed and/or forbidden aspect of yourself. This part of yourself may be seeking recognition and acknowledgment. Alternatively, evil may also be a reflection of your strong, negative emotions like hate, anger, etc.

E-Gads, I have lost it!!! It's official!

Sunday, August 21, 2005

And He's At It Again...

Just to let you know, Joe has blogged again. This time its about his newest toy, a B.C. Rich Gunslinger guitar, and the modifications he made to it today. Take a look and leave him some comments!

Friday, August 19, 2005

And Now We Are Three..., um 4...5

Well Michael said Cassie couldn't have her babies on his birthday (August 17th - it was his day) so she decided to have them August 18th!!! Cassie is now the proud mommy to 2 beautiful kittens. The first was born at 5:35pm yesterday. All grey with a patch of white under its neck. The second came at approximately 9:50pm (4 hours later). This one looks like a little cow. All white and black but soooo precious!! Cassie is being a wonderful mommy and I couldn't be the prouder grandmommy!!!

UPDATE: Since this post I have good and bad news. Last night, the 19th, somewhere before midnight, Cassie gave birth to a new kitten. I wasn't home. I had to run out for work and Michael my son was home and called me on my cell phone to tell me the news. He said he went in to check on the babies and found an extra one! This one was all black. He said the first reaction (words out of his mouth) was "Holy Shit". Yes he is 12, but atleast he was honest!

About 30 minutes later he called back to tell me "paw" was hanging out of Cassie. I rushed home (was only 5 minutes away), and she has delivered another, but this one didn't make it. It was born stillborn. I found Michael hysterical, he had never witnessed anything like that and had been laying next to her at the time to soothe her a bit. I explained to him that this was her first litter of kittens and that alot of times there is one born dead in the first litter (found this information via the internet and heard it from a friend). I told him he has been great and I'm sure she appreciated him being there trying to help her. That we had 3 beautiful babies and Momma Cass and were lucky we hadn't lost her. Although it wasn't good this explanation helped him to feel somewhat better.

No sooner had this conversation taken place, another arrived, kitten #5. This one too is all black. I got Michael out of the room, afraid this one would be deceased too, but it was fine. We named the kittens: Kitten #1 (all grey with a patch of white on its neck) - Gracie, Kitten #2 (black and white cow like) - Moo Moo, Kitten #3 (all black) - Holy (because of Michael's first reaction), Kitten #4 - none (stillborn), Kitten #5 (all black) - Hope (we were "hoping" it was healthy).

Cassie had her babies on August 18th, 19th, and 20th. Everyone I have spoken to has said they've never heard of this happening this way before...now they have :-) Mommy and her babies are doing very well... I will post new pictures soon.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Michael's Birthday is HERE

Well today my baby turns 12 years old. He has finally made it to the pre teen status!!! He isn't here yet, he was at his father's last night. Daddy bought him a new cell phone (I had bought him just a standard candybar style phone for Christmas). He got a flip phone with the walkie talkie and camera in it. Um, ok... Guess this goes along with the pre teen status thing. Now his phone is better than mine! I just have a flip phone, no extra's, lol :-)

I on the other hand took him out and bought him his remote control Porche he wanted from Discovery Planet and took him to Port Discovery (see earlier post), a place he had been wanting to go for some time and we celebrated early at Hard Rock Cafe (see earlier post). This was all last week, early. I do have presents for him waiting here. I bought him his Dukes Of Hazzard Box Set he wanted, The pilot (first ever show) of the Dukes Of Hazzard, and the video game of the Dukes Of Hazzard. He loves the Dukes Of Hazzard if you can't tell. Buying this stuff was such an issue. I also bought him some little things and put them in a gift bag, snappers (those little things you throw on the groud and they pop), candy, handcuffs... just little things I saw here and there.

Tonight Joe will bring him home his birthday cake and tomorrow we are going on the Clipper Ship. Cool....

I am anxiously awaiting my baby... um pre teen. I will be posting some pictures to go with this entry later, when I get them.

His birthday cake is being brought home by Joe so there will be more later!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

By Invitation Only

Tonight Joe, Pete and I went to a party being held at The Lodge Bar in Baltimore's Power Plant Live district. The pary was being held by the beer Sam Adams and was all you can eat and drink. Most of the industries known were there. When I say this I mean people in the bar industry and local music industry.

Crushing Day was the band chosen to perform for the night. They were okay but truthfully I have seen them do better. I don't think it was the band as much as the people running the sound.

Of course most of
what Joe and Pete did was drink, eat and of


course talk
about future of MDA. We'll see what happens with that...

Of course I think the highlight for Joe and I was the fact that George Wendt was there. Most of you will remember him as "Norm" on the long running TV sitcom Cheers. Being from Boston he is a spokesman for the Boston based and brewed beer Sam Adams. we met him and took the above picture.

All in all it was pretty cool night and atleast it wasn't hot and humid. It's rained all day and it cooled things off drastically here in Baltimore.

Big Hair




I forgot to tell everyone, Friday I cut my hair. Not the length just the top, I can now curl it again. Big hair here we come again!!! You know what they say, it all repeats in time. This will be my second time now with big hair.

Dear Diary




Lyrics that fit today:

Dear Joan - Tabitha's Secret (aka Matchbox Twenty)

Dear Joan
I've almost forgotten
The pane in the window
Blue dress in the doorway

Dear Joan
Help me remember
The face I forget
And the traps that I've sprung

I guess I've grown tired
It's just what's expected of me
To tear your heart
From the inside to the outside
You know I was wired
I just couldn't help it
The hundred thousand times I hurt you

Dear Joan I wanted to say
I'm sorry for the screaming last night,
And the nights before
I've wanted more from this
Than anything I've ever known
Dear Joan

Dear Joan
Your face has a brightness
That I've never seen
In the years that I've known you

Dear Joan
I'd pick up the pieces
But some scattered too far
See, they flew when I kicked them

I know you believed
When I said it was over
You stood by me patiently
Waiting and brooding
So deeply in love
With every face that I've shown

Dear Joan I wanted to say
I'm sorry for the screaming last night,
And the nights before
I've wanted more from this
Than anything I've ever known

Once I forget
Twice I'm a fool
Three times I wrap
My hands around your neck
While your sleeping
So quietly sleeping
Sleeping and dreaming

Dear Joan
Don't walk out the doorway
Because if you did, I believe
I could honestly kill you

Dear Joan I wanted to say
I'm sorry for the screaming last night,
And the nights before
I've wanted more from this
Than anything I've ever known

Dear Joan I wanted to say
I'm sorry for the screaming last night,
And the nights before
I've wanted more from this
Than anything I've ever known
Dear Joan

Monday, August 15, 2005

Things I Learned / Heard Today

I learned something new today. Joe was watching a documentary on the History channel about the Chrysler Building. A very, very beautiful building I might add. I'm not sure what exactly happened at some point to the building (because I was in and out of the room) but the person talking said that if there is an explosion in a high rise building it is expected that there will be atleast one casuality per floor above the 15th floor. I just thought to myself "hmmm, thats interesting, I've never heard that before". So that is what was learned.

As some of you know, my favorite show on HBO, Sex Feet Under is coming to an end sadly this week. For any of you wanted to do the wish list thing, all the seasons are on my wish list. In a preview, the mother of the show is heard saying "motherhood is so lonely". I had to think about that statement and I think I understand it. My analysis is this for example: When you get married, presumably it is forever, until you die. You are with your spouse for the remainder of your life (unless your the widow). But with your children, they move on, start lives of their own. Still they are yours, always, but you lose them nonetheless. It made me wonder how I will feel. I get lonely now when they aren't here, around me, because they are at their father's. What will I do when its for longer periods of time when they are adults? i guess I will still have Joe, but nothing takes the place of your babies!

Blingo



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A Few Drinks Anyone?

Isn't it amazing what a few drinks will make people talk about?

Last night, Lucas, Sean, Joe and I are sitting around watching music video's and drinking Orange Vodka and Red Bull (an Orange Crush). I mentioned something about Lewie's blog about Leprechan's and how his wife and her sister claim to have caught one as a child. Everyone just kinda looked at me confused...

Yes we all know Leprechan's aren't real. Except for maybe Lewies wife and sister (or Except for maybe my 6th grade Social Studies teacher. He has the brightest red hair...) lol :-) Anyhow, someone I think Sean said that if you catch one they are suppose to grant you 3 wishes.

The drinking babble begins:

"So what 3 wishes would you ask for?"

Lucas:
#1 Lifetime personal assistant to do anything he wishes, including sexual.
#2 One hundredkazillion dollars
#3 Pilots license

Sean:
#1 Pay bills
#2 To be an all time sports star in either hockey or soccer
...somehow we never made it to 3...

Joe:
#1 One hundred kazillion dollars
#2 A Howard Dumble Amp
#3 To own his own island

Me: (mines tricky because being married to Joe and him already asking for money I cant because I'd already have it)
#1 Since having money from Joe's wish, I'd like to invest in something that is certain to make more money
#2 My children's financial security for life
#3 I'd send Joe to Luthier school



"What's your dream job?"

Lucas: Designing video games
Sean: To be a bigger soccer player than Paylay, whoever that is..
Joe: Famous musician
Stacy: Teacher, like I started but never finished, but not of children, of adults with children with disorders. It's teaching them how to cope/deal, and what resources there are.

FUCK WALMART




Let me first start by saying I LOVE WALMART. I do most of my shopping there infact but I was very upset Saturday afternoon and by the time I was done with my rant (which most of the time gets it out of my system and I can move on), I was more upset! But what could I do? Let's begin:

Michael's birthday is Wednesday. I go to Walmart looking for 2 things, The Dukes Of Hazzard video game that came out last year, and the First Season of The Dukes Of Hazzard Box Set. Well, they don't have the game. okay, I'm fine with that. After calling all over town, I came to realize it might be an adventure trying to find it. It seems to be a rariety. What they do have is the boxed set!! YUPPIE! I come to find out the adventure would be getting help to retrieve this set from the glass case it is in.

My case (issues):

#1 My bestfriend, Sean works at Walmart. He is back in electronics with me so I can get the set and get his discount. He goes up to the cashier and explains I need assistance. The cashier says as soon as he is done ringing up his current customer he will be right with us. OKAY!!! I am still okay at this point.

#2 10 minutes later, still no cahier to help me. I walk up to the checkout and the department manager is there (different person). I ask her for assistance. She, with a very rude tone, tells me to get in line. Um, like okay, BITCH! You do not need to be rude. At this point I am slightly simmering, not boiling yet, but simmering...

#3 I wait in line 5 minutes and then the cahier (the original one) leaves just as I make it to the checkout. A new cahier is now there, I tell her what I need (this is now the 3rd person). She stands there and does nothing... like hello???????

#4 Finally yet another person, this now makes the 4th person, asks me what I need. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ALREADY! He gets it for me. HALLELUJAH! MISSION CONTROL WE HAVE LIFT OFF! Finally someone to do their job!

#5 Again I need to wait in line, but I am happy again, sort of... the whole time I am saying before I leave I am speaking to a STORE manager. Lucas pays with his credit card.

#6 As we are walking towards customer service so I can see the STORE manager Lucas shows me the reciept. I about died right there it was so funny but at the same time infuriating. As his signature Lucas wrote "FUCK WALMART" and no one questioned it. Can I say HELLO again? Does this mean I can find a credit card on the street and go ona shopping spree and get away with it because no one will look at the signature or ask for ID?

#7 We make it to customer service. Why do they call it customer service? Do they really help you? The call the manager. After another 10 minutes he arrives. NOW I UNDERSTAND.

#8 I descretely, after all its not his fault he has horrible employee's (right???), show him the reciept. I explain that it took me 20-25 minutes and 4 employees to get a freeking DVD and that my time is as valuable as anyones and that maybe he should look at who works for him very closely. After all the employees are who we as customers deal with, they make the impression. I ask him to read the signature. He puts on his glasses and looks at me. I shrug. I explained no one ever questioned the signature. He tells me they are not required to check signatures....

WALMART IS JUST GREAT! PEOPLE WATCH YOUR CREDIT CARDS! THE END!

OH PS: I did find the game. Lucas and I decided to go to Quizno's for lunch. Right beside it was EB games. Lucas found the game for a Playstation 1, it was a different Dukes Of Hazzard game, I held onto it, but asked if they has the new Playstation 2 game, THEY DID!!! Happy again...

Edgar Allan Poe (1809-1849)

"For over 150 years, legions of scholars, literary people, journalists and general Poe devotees have tried to capture Poe's complex personality and enshrine it forever in paper and ink. They have exhaustively chased every conceivable source to fill in the details of his life. Every person who met Poe (or was willing to claim so), and was still alive after 1875, was coerced to recall any scrap of fact or insight, no matter how trivial or vague. After these people had passed on, their children and even grandchildren were asked to repeat anything they had heard about Poe. From this mass of disjointed and often contradictory information, Poe's biography has been crafted, each generation relying heavily on the work of prior biographers, themselves often happy to steal from their competitors without so much as a footnote. Every letter he wrote, every note he jotted on a piece of paper, every photograph, every newspaper or magazine article, every building, stick of wood or piece of bric-a-brac with a Poe association was duly collected, catalogued and interpreted -- but Poe himself has fooled us all and remains to this day an elusive quarry." ~ Taken from Poe's Problemic Biography

So Saturday Lucas and I decided to go visit the Edgar Allen Poe House and Museum. This is the house he was born in located in Baltimore, MD. Most of you probably know Edgar Allen Poe from his book, The Raven. Edgar Allan Poe was born in Boston, Massachusetts, to parents who were itinerant actors. His father David Poe Jr. died probably in 1810. Elizabeth Hopkins Poe died in 1811, leaving three children. Edgar was taken into the home of a Richmond merchant John Allan. The remaining children were cared for by others. Poe's brother William died young and sister Rosalie become later insane. At the age of five Poe could recite passages of English poetry. Later one of his teachers in Richmond said: "While the other boys wrote mere mechanical verses, Poe wrote genuine poetry; the boy was a born poet."

The house was very, very small. Two sets of winding staircases which were very steep. No large person would ever be able to fit up the steps. The caretaker, Mr. Jerome, and I started speaking because when my grandfather passed away in January I was given a drawing of Edgar Allen Poe which always hung in my grandfathers "spot", the basement. It had been there for as long as I can remember. My grandfather, when I was young would tell me about Edgar Allen Poe. I think my grandfather would like the fact I visited the house. I don't think when you are young you can appreciate "works of art" as you do when you are older.

The photo seen here is of that painting. Mr. Jerome wanted me to email him a copy of it so he could validate that it was indeed Edgar Allen Poe. Apparently many people have come across paintings that were supposedly Mr. Poe but weren't in reality. I am waiting on a reply now. Before leaving I purchased a copy of Mr. Poe's poem, Annabelle Lee, one of my favorites.

When we left the museum Lucas and I headed over to the grave of Edgar Allen Poe. Unfortunately the cemetary itself was closed for construction so we couldn't go in but because his grave is at the front, right inside the gates, we did get this photo. This is the second grave for Mr. Poe. The first being inside the cemetary further towards the back, He was moved some years ago to the front. There has always been speculation that he is not really buried there but who knows really.

More phot's can be seen on my Flickr photo album.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Musician Birthdays

Being married to a musician and having music be a very major part of my life, I thought it might be neat to see when some "famous" birthdays are. Keep in mind, my favorite type of music is classic rock and some modern rock but I did not go with just that genre. Let's see if any birthdays match yours...please comment if they do.

JANUARY
5th - Marilyn Manson (1969)
8th - Elvis Presley (1935)
8th - David Bowie (1947)
9th - Jimmy Page (1945)
9th - Crystal Gayle (1951)
9th - Dave Matthews (1967)
10th - Rod Stewart (1945)
10th - Pat Benatar (1953)
11th - Mary J. Blige (1971)
14th - L.L. Cool J. (1968)
19th - Janis Joplin (1943)
20th - Paul Stanley (1952)
22nd - Steve Perry (1949)
22nd - Michael Hutchence (1960)
26th - Eddie Van Halen (1957)
28th - Sarah McLachlan (1968)
30th - Phil Collins (1951)
31st - Justin Timberlake (1981)

FEBRUARY
4th - Alice Cooper (1948)
6th - Axl Rose (1962)
7th - Garth Brooks (1962)
11th - Sheryl Crow (1962)
18th - Dennis DeYoung (1947)
18th - Dr. Dre (1965)
20th - Kurt Cobain (1967)
23rd - Howard Jones (1955)
26th - Michael Bolton (1954)

MARCH
1st - Roger Daltrey (1944)
2nd - Jon Bon Jovi (1962)
7th - Taylor Dayne (1962)
11th - Lisa Loeb (1968)
15th - Bret Michaels (1963)
16th - Nancy Wilson (1954)
17th - Billy Corgan (1967)
23rd - Ric Ocasek (1944)
25th - Elton John (1947)
26th - Steven Tyler (1948)
27th - Mariah Carey (1970)
30th - M.C. Hammer (1962)
30th - Celine Dion (1968)

APRIL
2nd - Marvin Gaye (1939)
3rd - Sebastian Bach (1968)
10th - Babyface (1959)
10th - Mandy Moore (1984)
23rd - Barbra Streisand (1942)
27th - "Ace" Frehley (1950)
27th - Sheena Easton (1959)

MAY
9th - Billy Joel (1949)
10th - Sid Vicious (1957)
10th - Bono (1961)
13th - Peter Gabriel (1950)
16th - Janet Jackson (1966)
17th - Trent Reznor (1965)
20th - Cher (1946)
23rd - Jewel (1974)
24th - Bob Dylan (1941)
25th - Lauryn Hill (1975)
26th - Stevie Nicks (1948)
26th - Lenny Kravitz (1964)
28th - Kylie Minogue (1968)
29th - Melissa Etheridge (1961)
31st - John Bonham (1947)

JUNE
1st - Alanis Morissette (1974)
6th - Kenny G (1956)
7th - Prince (1958)
8th - Bonnie Tyler (1953)
14th - Boy George (1961)
18th - Paul McCartney (1942)
19th - Ann Wilson (1950)
19th - Paula Abdul (1963)
20th - Cyndi Lauper (1953)
25th - George Michael (1963)
30th - Yngwie Malmsteen (1963)

JULY
1st - Deborah Harry (1945)
3rd - Laura Branigan (1957)
9th - Courtney Love (1965)
10th - Ronnie James Dio (1949)
11th - Richie Sambora (1955)
20th - Kim Carnes (1946)
20th - Carlos Santana (1947)
22nd - Don Henley (1947)
26th - Mick Jagger (1943)
29th - Geddy Lee (1953)

AUGUST
1st - Jerry Garcia (1943)
3rd - James Hetfield (1963)
9th - Whitney Houston (1963)
14th - David Crosby (1941)
16th - Madonna (1958)
17th - Belinda Carlisle (1958)
22nd - Tori Amos (1963)
25th - Gene Simmons (1949)
25th - Elvis Costello (1954)
29th - Michael Jackson (1958)
31st - Debbie Gibson (1970)

SEPTEMBER
1st - Gloria Estefan (1957)
5th - Freddie Mercury (1946)
7th - Gloria Gaynor (1949)
7th - Chrissie Hynde (1951)
8th - Pink (1979)
16th - Richard Marx (1963)
22nd - David Coverdale (1951)
22nd - Joan Jett (1960)
23rd - Lita Ford (1959)
26th - Olivia Newton-John (1948)
27th - Meat Loaf (1947)

OCTOBER
2nd - Sting (1951)
3rd - Stevie Ray Vaughan (1954)
3rd - Tommy Lee (1962)
5th - Bob Geldof (1954)
7th - John Cougar Mellencamp (1951)
7th - Toni Braxton (1968)
9th - John Lennon (1940)
10th - David Lee Roth (1955)
13th - Art Garfunkel (1942)
13th - Sammy Hagar (1947)
16th - Flea (1962)
17th - Eminem (1974)
20th - Tom Petty (1953)
22nd - Shaggy (1968)
26th - Natalie Merchant (1963)
27th - Simon Le Bon (1958)

NOVEMBER
2nd - Nelly (1978)
3rd - Adam Ant (1954)
5th - Bryan Adams (1959)
8th - Bonnie Raitt (1949)
8th - Leif Garrett (1968)
21st - Bjork (1965)
25th - Amy Grant (1960)
26th - Tina Turner (1939)
27th - Jimi Hendrix (1942)
30th - Billy Idol (1955)

DECEMBER
2nd - Britney Spears (1981)
3rd - Ozzy Osbourne (1948)
8th - Gregg Allman (1947)
8th - Jim Morrison (1943)
12th - Sheila E. (1957)
12th - Sinead O'Connor (1966)
13th - Ted Nugent (1948)
18th - Christina Aguilera (1980)
21st - Frank Zappa (1940)
23rd - Eddie Vedder (1964)
25th - Jimmy Buffett (1946)
26th - Lars Ulrich (1963)
29th - Marianne Faithfull (1946)
30th - John Denver (1943)
30th - Davy Jones (1945)
31st - Donna Summer (1948)

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Sean's New Apartment

Well he did it! Sean finally got away from living with his mother and moved into his own apartment! I am so proud of him. The apartment is fully furnished and includes utilities (wish mine did). Now if only his mother could get the other birdies to fly free (Sean's younger brother, sister and her 2 kids also live with their mother). His apartment is right down the street (about 20 houses) from mine. Ladies he is accepting numbers...

Eating Good For You

Joe has decided we need to eat better. Um, ok. This means no more chips, pizza, candy, or soda. This definately means no ordering food. Um, again, ok. Really I can do this. I am not much for chips or candy although I love Peanut M&M's. I have to have my Coke though. Pizza I can either have or not have, doesnt kill me either way. So last night I made herb roasted chicken with a veggie meledy of snow pea's, squash, and carrots. The colors were pretty, lol :-). Tonight I made chicken fried rice with chicken and some left over squash and carrots which I steamed. Joe has been doing good. He has even been drinking diet soda. YUCK! He says he feels better. My question is why do I have to suffer so he can lose weight, lol :-) If Lucas had his way we would be vegetarian's so I guess I'll be grateful to just lose the candy and chips!!!

Fear Of God

I was surfing the web tonight as always and stumbled across a band I hadn't thought about in some time, Fear Of God. Their music was very um, deathly... don't exactly know how to describe it really. Sort of Goth, Metal, Courtney Love-ish with an evil twist. All their material is out of print long ago. I was just hoping maybe someone out in internet land might have a copy to make me. One can only hope. The lead singer Dawn Crosby was from Baltimore, I knew her briefly back in the very early '90's. She is now gone, passed away. I've known that. Anyhow if anyone stumbles across a cd, let me know. The last copy I had was bought at Record and Tape Traders here in baltimore about 4 years ago. That was lucky find then.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Needy This Morning

Have any of you ever woken up one day and just felt depressed and didn't really know why? Have you ever just felt the need to talk and talk and talk and not really know about what? Maybe just about everything that bothers you at that moment or the things that have been bothering you over time? Today is one of those days for me. It's early in the day for me yet, just 8:49am, I've tried to go back to sleep and can't. Thoughts just keep intruding...

So I figured I would do what I do best...talk...even if only here, my daily journal of ramblings. If any of my friends choose to comment, great, any advice on my little breakdown here will be appreciated.

I guess the first thing that entered my mind this morning was my grandparents. There isn't a day that goes by that I dont think about them. I am feeling guilty because this past Saturday, Joe was playing within walking distance of where my grandmother is now in a nursing home. I was suppose to go see her then but was feeling so out of it that I didn't even go with Joe. I just stayed home. My car isn't completely ready to go on the road yet so I just can't go anytime and the fact that she is across town makes it difficult to even go on public transportation.

I swore when I walked out of my grandmothers house for the last time that I was done. So much had happened. I justw anted to leave that part of my life behind and move on. I felt alot of emotions, betrayed, used, hurt... I said I wuld never have anything to do with that side of my family again, aside from my mother and my sister.

I tried, I tried to do everything I could in those horrible last months. No one really knows what I was going through emotionally at the time. The last 4 or 5 months I am lucky I even survived myself, muchless trying to help and care for the elderly grandparents I then had. My life is a very hectic, busy one, ask anyone in it. I am always on the go, always having to take care of this or that, always dealing with the latest band crisis. Of course I have been told the band crisis' I could have put aside, afterall that is what Joe does, why do I? Well, simple answer really. He's my husband #1, and #2 I also make my money through doing what I do with/for the band. It feeds us, takes care of Michael, etc... this is my income. At the time my Wednesdays through Saturdays and even sometimes Sundays were kaotic. Not much sleep when you are up early and not home until sometimes 4am. But really I have adapted to that lifestyle. But with everything going on around me, the "lifestyle",a nd the other trauma's happening. It was too much. Everything was happening so fast.

Let us recount: In October 2004 I found out I was pregnant, almost 3 months, in 3 weeks time I had seen my sonogram, heard my babies heartbeat, was buying baby clothes and maternity clothes (that explained putting on weight). Any woman out there will tell you once you have seen your baby on that screen and heard it's heartbeat, your life chnages, it's then realer than real. That came crashing to a hault on October 21 when I had a miscarriage. It was only 2 days prior that we had had the sonogram, etc, and everything was okay... The next night, the 22nd, what we refer to as the "Joe incident" occured. I wont go into the details of that too much as it was one of the worst times of my life and the day after losing the baby and I honestly dont want to relive it in my mind muchless words. We'll just say Joe was in jail for 3 days until I got him out, I was struggling with my emotions. The incident involved me and I was very unsure where my marriage was going if I had one even. All this within 24 hours. I was left severely damaged and had to face my friends and family and make them understand whatever decisions I made. Most of which to this day think I am crazy for allowing my marriage to continue. What I knew that they didn't was the other side of Joe. Fast forward for a second to April 2005, Joe looking at 10 years for the above incident gets off largely due to my testimony and is in counceling. Life is better with him. Much better.

In the months to follow grandmom who had been in the hospital returns home. I am still coping with the above and to add to this, keeping in mind I am still living the band lifestyle too, I am dealt with the lifestyle of granmom needs to change. She now can only eat certain foods and needs her blood taken everyday. Grandpop couldnt seem to take her blood so I had to. This became quite frustrating. Grandmom was starting to suffer from dimensia. She could still eat certain yummy foods but in moderation. She would forget she had already eaten what was allowed, I would take her blood and it would be sky rocketing. Of course she would swear she hadn't done anything. It seemed for awhile all she would eat were the yummy things, not dinner, lunch or breakfast. All the while complaining that I was starving her. I would cook, everyone else would eat but her. I couldn't force her. She was going through a stage where I assume she realized she lost something, she was no longer able to cook for the family due to her health, the above plus the fact she was half blind, could barely walk or hear, and was immensly forgetful, sometimes leaving the gas on.

One day I came home to the entire house smelling of gas. She had cooked something and forgot yet again to turn off the gas. I had to open every door and window I could. I was lucky she was alive. It got to the point of being afraid to go out. Then when I would have to go out she would complain when I got home. She was lonely, she had no one to talk to.... the truth is she would drive everyone crazy. All she did was complain, mostly about me. I was doing what I could but I needed my time too and I definately needed my income, what little it was. According to everyone else I should give all that up. I felt bad because she needed help, but I needed to be able to take care of my child. Where were they? Her own children only came by when there was a major catastrophy and most of them only lived within 2 miles or so of her. They would come by because she would call that she was lonely or I was starvng her or that I hadnt taken her blood (she would forget but the number readings would be in her book). They would come screaming at me. If I spoke to someone else in the room about anything she would swear I was talking about her (she couldn't hear well) and call my aunt to complain about that. She had by this point needed a potty chair which was in the dining room, she would swear everyone in the house was using it because she would forget she had. And oh yes, I was responsible for that clean up too. She would misplace her wallet, accuse everyone of taking it, and a week later I'd find it in the freezer. Yes the freezer. I was now suppose to be the complete caregiver of everyone in the household.

My poor grandfather was my only console. Most of the time he would hybernate in the basement watching television or listening to music, reading.... that is when he wasn't on the go himself. He could barely walk himself but he would leave and be gone for hours. Grandmom drove him nuts. She would send him to the store and he would return with maybe the wong type of Coke. Regular instead of Cherry for example and she would cry, literally... I saw that man be faced with going out in the snow for her, he himself hardly able to drive or walk. Grandpop seemed to be the only one who understood because he was there all day too. Sometimes when Joe would come home from work she would start her rants and Joe would get on me. He wasnt there to see how she was all the time. Of course there came a time later towards the end when he was out of work briefly when he saw. I would sometimes just go to the basement to breathe. My grandfather would sit in one cahir and me in the other and he would hold my hand and just shake his head. He knew I was trying. He knew I was still dealing with so many of my own issues and now I had this too. In my entire 32 years of life I have never been so verbally abused as I was by my grandmother. She caused most of my family to think I was some kind of cold herated heathen.

January 14, 2005 My grandfather fell at about 2am in his bedroom. What we had come to find out was my grandfather with his health problems, he had a heart condition and a few years prior had had triple bi pass surgery, and was slowly deteriorating had decided to take up drinking again. We had learned this months before but what could we do? He would sit in the basement and drink himself stupid. I guess this was his way of dealing... Gin and tonic. He fell because he was trying to get undressed and get into bed and well, couldn't. Between not walking well and being drunk, he just couldn't. He fell and knocked himself out. It took me about 5-10 minutes to get him to come to all the while trying to convince grandmom to stay on her side of the bed so she wouldn't see all the blood gushing from his head and also trying to convince her he was okay even though Joe and I werent quite convinced of that ourselves. I remember us running to the room and me seing him on the floor and just freezing in the hall, I thought he was dead. He had a huge gash on his head right by his eye. Once we got him to coem to, I tried talking to hima nd it was quite apparent he was drunk. I cleaned him up begging him to let us take him to the ER but he refused. Again what could I do?

January 15th Joe had a show that night. My uncle was suppose to come and make sure grandmom got to bed. Grandpop couldnt help her up the steps, he himself was too weak. My uncle never showed. The kids were always too busy with their lives. I ended up again putting my own life aside to make sure she was in bed before I left for the night. I had to get her upstairs, put the potty in her room etc... I would always call later to check in. I did. Something told me that night not to go. Earlier in the day I had my "parently" talk with grandpop and told him, begged him to stop drinking, I told him it scared me. I told him I thought he was dead when I saw him the night before. He said he would stop. Before leaving that night I went down to check on him,s ee if he needed anything, and to tell him grandmom was in bed. He had me sit next to him. He told me he was proud of me and that he loved me. He asked me for kiss. I started up the steps and he called back to me "I love you baby", I told him I loved him and would see him tomorrow. He nodded. My gut told me something wasn't right. My grandfather didnt talk like this. He didnt express his feelings.

At 2:20am Joe and I got home. I went straight up the steps because I had to go to the bathroom while Joe was still bringing in his equipment. My grandmother asked me to go tell grandpop to come to bed, he was still in the basement. I yelled for Joe to do it. The next thing I know Joe is in the bathroom with me telling me my grandfather is dead. Joe had found him in the basement, in his chair where I'd left him. He's had an anurizm. Joe told grandmom before I'd even completely comprehended what he had just told me. I was then left with calling everyone.

Slowly, one by one, all 5 of their children showed up. My mother not until the next day because she was in Mississippi. My cousins.... not one ever asking how Joe or I were. My father showed up (yes the father who I have no relationship with). he later took my sister and I out for awhile. I thought this might be the beginning of a new relationship between he and I since I was invited out, I was wrong. I guess maybe in the events taking place he felt obligated. Please do me no favors like that, it only messes with my already screwed up head.

The next couple months were hard. Grandmom got mean beyond words. She at one point said I was to blame for grandpop dying. I should have been there she said. Even if I had, what could I have done? It was bad... she complained about everything and of course I was made out to be the she devil herself. We started looking to move and did in April. The kids decided to put grandmom in a nursing home a month prior in March. Why not? They'd never really come to see her before. Why think they'd care for her now?

I was so hurt by the months I endured trying to deal with my own internal issues and trying to help as best I could with my grandparents, never getting any thanks only screamed at and blamed for everything. My father coming and going in and out of my life again in a day after I'd tried for months to get him to talk to me. I swore I'd never speak to any of that part of my family again once I moved. But life goes on and as time goes by we learn to forgive. Obviously we never forget but forgivness can happen with an open heart. I have been to see grandmom 2 times since moving in April.

I just miss them. The only family I have now is my mother 1200 miles away, grandmom who is in a nursing home, my sister and father whom hardly speak to me or dont at all, Joe and my kids...of all of them only Joe and my kids are who I really have. I dont know why I am breaking down today, I dreamt of them last night, maybe thats it.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Have You Ever...?

Have you ever loved someone so much you could hardly breathe when you are around them? Loved them so much that when they are not around them you miss them terribly because you want to spend every minute and every hour of every day with them?

Henning Books

I stumbled across this websie tonight and joined it. It's a place to publish your articles, essays, poetry, stories, and more, for free! People can then read your writing and rate it. I am now waiting on them to approve and post 4 of my poems. Of course the poetry can also be found on my poetry blog, but maybe I'll get more of an audience this way.

You go to the Henning books website, look for Members Work, scross down to my screen name "stacyarrington", and my poetry will appear by title.

BTW, for those interested I did just post a new poem on my poetry blog.

Home Sweet Home

Lewie had posted something about Google Earth a few weeks ago but I just got around to trying it out for myself. I found not only my street but my actual house! Michael and I sat here looking up my grandparent's house and his father's house too. It's really cool. Click on the picture to see the enlarged version.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Love On The Nanjemoy River




I meant to add this to my blog earlier to keep the posts in order but it didn't happen that way.

Sometimes the simplest of things make you feel absolutely beautiful...

This is my foot and Joe's hand. I was sitting on the peir and he was in the water in a raft and he reached up and took hold of my foot, lovingly. He said "holding my pinky toe was trust but holding my foot was love"... I never "wanted" him to let go.... I never "want" him to ever let go.

I've melted yet again and he doesn't even know it!

Ass Map




I found this online and had to share it with all of you. This just had me laughing which today I needed.

"No wonder the Middle East is in deep shit"...lol

Welcome To Nanjemoy

After driving over an hour and a half with Lucas, Joe and Michael, all I can say is WOW Nanjemoy is incredible!! I guess what I really mean is my new friends, Joe's old friends are incredible. Some background: Joe has known Kenny and Ginny for about 15 years, give or take but hasn't seen them in about that long either. Today that changed. What a wonderful experience to have shared with Joe.

Kenny rescued Joe's old Mesa Boogie Amp from being lost in pawn years ago and has had it all these years. He gave it back to Joe today. What great generousity! Kenny is truely a great one!

What a day. When we first got there we realized it because of a sign that said "Joe and Stacy" (above). I thought that was so cool! Kenny and Ginny's home is a real life treehouse. Absolutely to die for gorgeous!!

We all went into their screen house and munched and talked and then decided to go down to the creek, the Nanjemoy River runs right behind the house. Needless to say, the fun began. Michael and Lucas were the only ones to actually bring a bathing suit, so Joe just took off his shirt and went in!! What's a girl to do??? I got in, in a skirt!!!! We sat around catching up/getting to know each other and just enjoying the day.

I learned that Najemoy means "the haunting of ....", I forgot! (Lucas and Kenny both just emailed me and said it is "the haunt of the raccoon", Kenny went on to say also that "the Piscataway Indian supposedly came up wtih this to mean a camp near the bank of the Manjmy - Creek . . in old texts..") Anyhow....

I met some great people today. People I hope will remain in touch with Joe and I and continue a friendship that atleast with Joe, has with stood both time and distance. For me, I hope to build a lasting friendship....

Thank you Kenny and Ginny for a wonderful day, for openin your home up to us, and for making my husband so happy. Also, thank you Lucas for driving us to Nanjemoy!

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Meeting New / Old Friends

I am looking forward to Sunday!! Lucas, Joe, Michael and I are driving to Nanjemoy, MD to see an some old friends of Joe's, Kenny and Ginny. The drive from my house is estimated at 1 hour and 48 minutes! Joe knew them 10-15 years ago and hasn't seen them since. A few months ago Kenny loooked Joe up on Google and emailed us. We have been corresponding ever since. Kenny has an old guitar amp head, a Mesa, that was Joe's back in the day and Kenny is giving it to Joe as a gift. It'll be nice for Joe to have a piece of the beginnings of his music career again. Things like that sometime become sentimental. Kenny seems to be a very cool guy and I am looking forward to meeting him. I plan on taking a ton of pictures so be looing for them!

Friday, August 05, 2005

An Early Birthday Celebration


Happy Birthday Michael
Originally uploaded by stacyarrington.
Michael will be 12 years old on August 17th. As an early birthday celebration we went to Port Discovery yesterday at Baltimores Inner Harbor. Last night Joe was playing with Acoustic MoJo so we continued the celebration and have them give Michael a "Hard Rock Birthday" - birthday. He wasn't expecting this at all. They made him stand on a bar stool while the bar sang Happy Birthday to him and they gave him a birthday sundae. They also gave him a collectors Hard Rock Cafe birthday pin. He had alot of fun yesterday. He was talking about his day, all day. This is what you get when you have a hard rock mother and step father!!!

Port Discovery


Port Discovery
Originally uploaded by stacyarrington.
I have michael for the week and instead of making it a normal hum drum weekend, I decided to take the opportunity yesterday to have a Michael and Mom day! He has wanted to go to Port Discovery down at Baltimore's Inner Harbor for about 2 years now. I've wanted to take him but its always been one thing or another that got in the way, but not yesterday. We made this an adventure and boys love adventures.

We took the light rail to the Inner Harbor, wlaked arounf for a little and finally found Port Discovery. It cost $19.50 for the both of us and was wll worth it. There was so much there to do. In the middle of everything there is a huge jungle gym. At one point I sat for an hour while Michael expored it (see the pictures below). Michael took place in a TV show broadcast by Port Discovery called The Money Game which was cool but I think the thing he had the most fun doing was at the end of the day he took a class on how to make cotton candy.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Likewise


Likewise
Originally uploaded by paulinski.
Self explanitory...

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

The First Day Of Cassie's Due Date


Cassie
Originally uploaded by stacyarrington.
After some researching, I found that cats can be pregnant anywhere from 50 days to 70 days. My baby girl Cassie got out and got pregnant on June 13th. This makes her due date to have "our babies", as we've been referring to them, anytime between today and the 22nd. Boy is she getting fat. And she sleeps constantly. I am the only person in the house she wants anything to do with. She is definately my little princess! I can't wait to meet "our babies". I just hope I am home to take pictures of the event. My luck I wont be and I'll miss it all.

I have already found homes for atleast 3 of them. My sister Jenn, Lucas, and one of Michael's friends. Thank God!

My Jo-Joe


My Jo-Joe
Originally uploaded by stacyarrington.
I just had to post this. I took this last night while Joe was talking on the phone. I also took some goofy ones of him, lol... I won't talk about those here!!! He'd kill me. Anyhow, I just wanted to share this. It makes me smile. He is so beautiful in so many ways. He really has no clue. This picture shows that little boy side that I love so much, the happy side.
I love you baby. I love "us". I love the thought of what we can and will be one day! Together through the good and bad always!

A Few Things

As I have learned from experience, things usually have a knack for going badly. I’m not talking about horribly wrong, I’m just saying that in the many instances during the day, when there is more than one outcome that could possibly happen – the least favorable of those outcomes is most likely to happen.

At least, that is how it seems.

But then again, maybe it only seems like that because we don’t really pay any attention to the times when things turn out as they should, only when things go as they shouldn’t. But that’s no fun to think about. I like to think that the universe and whatever higher powers that are out there are all in cahoots just to see to it that I be mildly irritated at all times of the day.

It just helps me get by.

But seriously, I thought I’d give a few pointers to all the up-and-coming cynics, the sarcasmos-in-training, and the practicing pessimists out there. Just for the hell of it...

1. Things are always going to go bad; no matter how good it seems, it’ll go bad.
2. Have low expectations for everything / don’t look forward to anything. You’re only going to be let down, this way you won’t be surprised.
3. Don’t even try, you’re going to fail.
4. It’s better to be in a constant state of disgruntledness than to be in a good mood and have it turn sour.
5. Make sure you make a decision to not like someone right away, that way they can’t “not like you” first.
6. Your pride is the only thing you have, treat it well.
7. Don’t even try to get a job; they can smell the sarcasm oozing out of your pores. You won’t be hired and the rejection only wreaks havoc on your self-esteem.
8. Get in the habit of not caring about anything. Why? Do you care?
9. Good job.
10. See that last point? I wasn’t being sincere. No one ever is. Get into the habit of doubting everyone too. People always have alterior motives.
11. Everyone is unreliable.
12. Everywhere you go you’ll go there to lose.

Now go on, get out of here. I am depressed!!!

Monday, August 01, 2005

New Poetry Added

I've added some new poetry. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Lion Cut


Lion Cut
Originally uploaded by stacyarrington.
This kitty has got to be the most pissed off cat I've ever seen!! I found this photo online!! Poor, poor kitty. The owners should let that cat have a chance to style their hair!!! LOL :-) Oh if only...
...Stacy...
Mom to 2, Wife to 1...
A diary of my psychotic babblings and daily rants (and raves).
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  • People consist of much more than what appears on the surface. Inside a person is their essence, which transcends everything external. It's who we really are. How people respond to us depends more on what we project than what we actually say and do (or what we look like).

    Some people function on a deeper spiritual level. The spiritual realm is more important than the physical world around us. Everything truly significant has a spiritual basis.